writing 'Beautiful'

2007-05-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

Le'al took the plastic watermelon man off of the card. The card fell to the floor. She left it. Got the phone. Sat down beside the card. Dialed.

"Hello, this is Sherry. Can we talk? Or, I can just listen"

Le'al said, "I made a mistake."

She hung up. Grabbed the card. Ripped it. Threw the pieces. Then got up.

She got her diary. Flipped through the empty pages. Decided it was time.

"Today has been hard," she wrote, and kept writing.

2007-05-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

Le'al was leaving the corner store. She glanced at the library, wishing she had the time to borrow a couple movies. Then she saw it. A bag. Leaned against the pole in the lot next to the library door.

She crossed the street. Walked to the library door. No one was in sight. She went to the bag. Picked it up, and thought. I need some money. I can do this. It's just sitting here. She turned around no one was there.

Le'al went into the bathroom. Waved a librarian over and asked for the bathroom key. She had the bag, a briefcase, dark maroon on the desk in front of her. She took the key and glanced through the library as she went to the bathroom.

She locked the door and hunkered down looking in the briefcase. She saw an eye glass case. Some allergy medicine. Files crammed in next to each other. A hand size book tucked in the corner.

Le'al began to feel hot. She picked up the briefcase. Placed it in the corner on the floor. Under the sink. And left. She returned the key to the desk, thanking the librarian. The librarian told her she was welcome, but seemed puzzled.

As she left the door, Le'al looked back and saw the librarian going toward the bathroom.

She wished she left a note to explain.

2007-05-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

"I don't even know what she looks like," Diamond said. "All the pictures I've seen are old. Like you?"

Le'al cleared her throat, sipping hot tea.

"I have been lying. I don't know Pearl."

Diamond dropped her head into her arms on the table.

"She did you the same way. Here I am thinking everything I wanted, needed, deserved from her, you had and, and . . . she didn't even."

Le'al touched her arm, saying "No, I mean I do not know her. She is not my mother."

"What does that mean?," asked Diamond, sitting up.

Le'al looked surprised. "It means, I don't know here. I have been lying. Mainly. Well, only about knowing Pearl. About being her daughter. Blah, blah, blah making your life miserable for no good reason at all, except that I needed her. At least, I think I did."

"Me, too," Diamond said.

Le'al said, "Something about her made me need to understand. Myself. If that makes sense."

Diamond sipped her cola, "I think I am actually falling apart. A part of me was relieved that you had her. Now, you tell me this. So, I don't have a sister."

"You do, if you want one."

2007-05-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Ana looked at the woman. Who'd just slapped her. Ana felt the rise of sting on her cheek.

Her mouth was open. Her lip trembled. Her eyes were red, puffy.

"I didn't mean to do that," she said.

Ana didn't move. Run. Ana. Ana get the hell out of here. This is all of crazy. Do you know this woman? Ana? Hit her back. Do something.

"You are sleeping with my husband," the woman said.

Ana could tell the woman needed to cry some more. But was cried out at the moment.

"I am what?," Ana said.

"My husband, my husband. You slut. You, he . . ."

Ana shook her head side to side, "I'm not sleeping with anyone."

"Don't lie. I saw you," the woman said.

Ana looked to the sky. Then heard a thump. She thought the woman had hit her again. When she looked at the woman. She knew she'd punched her. In the stomach.

"Oh, Jesus," Ana said. "Good lord. I swear. I swear. This is just crazy."

Ana reached down and helped the woman lean against the car.

"Please just listen," Ana said. "I am not sleeping with anyone."

"I saw you two together," the woman said, gasping for air.

"You saw us. Who? Leon? What do you mean you saw us. Is Leon your husband?"

The woman looked at her. "That bastard. His name is not Leon. And, apparently I'm not the only fool."

She swallowed hard, asking "Can I buy you a drink."

2007-05-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Ana sat at the table. Slipped out her sandals. Dunked her middle finger in the cup. Sucked the rum off.

"Hello again Mr. Chind," she wrote. "I've thought about your question. I have made my decisions. I don't want anything. Not from him. Everything I need has to come from me. And, removing him completely from our lives - in presence, financial support, court-ordered visitation - is THE only way for us to heal. The only way to take control. So, I outline the details only because it is necessary to argue for sole guardianship of my son."

Ana put the pen down. Sipped the rum. Walked to the sink. Poured the run down the drain.

She sat back down over the pad of paper. Then wrote: "The Details:"

2007-05-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

The woman stood up. She was short - four foot something. She seemed to scoot toward the front. She began to talk and the firm of her voice caught several people off guard. Her voice was solid, tall.

"I'm not much in stature as you can see," she said.

Some one called out, "You are much in something to be here."

"Ain't that the truth," the woman said. "Still, . . ." she hesitated.

Ana said, "Something is missing, still? Gone or more so taken?"

"So, I need to ask you," the woman said. "When? When did you realize what you'd become? When did you know it was over?"

Ana said, "You have to answer that."

2007-05-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ana walked to the back of the room. Smiling at each woman as she passed them. Wondering why she was doing this. How would she look, if people found out. What exactly she was going to say.

"Hello," a woman said, walking up to Ana.

She stopped in front of Ana. Held out her hand. With a small box in it. A bow, layers of yellow, pink, red, white, purple. Ana thought is was oddly pretty.

"Hi, I'm Ana," she said. "Is this really for me."

The woman shook her head, leaning in toward Ana.

"I saw you weeks ago," she said. "We shop at the same market. But there was something different. Your walk. You didn't smile as much. Wounded but fighting, I guess."

The woman stood up straight. "I was limping myself," she said loudly. "And here we are."

She leaned in again, hugging Ana.

2007-05-20T08:08:00.001-07:00

Diamond walked up behind her husband. Slid her hands up to his chest. Pull herself in tight.

"I have to go," she said.

"I can go with you," her husband said.

"No. You will make it fun," she said. "This is not fun. It can't be fun."

"Can it at least be open, understanding, patient."

"It can try," she said.

Her husband turned around, cupping her face. "What are you going for, what is your goal?"

"I keep thinking about my professor. He said things are not new or different. That everything has happened. That it is our challenge to figure out a better way to retell it. But he said, it has to be told. Over and over. Until when?"

Diamond looked at her husband's hand on her face, "People taking for granted others misery. I don't want to be that. But I don't know how I can go to her and not be that."

2007-05-20T07:59:00.001-07:00

Where am I? Am I going some where?

Le'al heard the words loud. They were in her head. She hoped. She looked from side to side. She was alone. People passed. In cars. On a bus. No one seemed to see her.

She couldn't tell if she was dreaming. Until she saw the chain.

Le'al started running. She passed Harvey's. A dead end street. An abandoned building. She thought it was where they collected money for the lot. The lot where the chain was. She ran up to the old chain.

It was secure on two poles. Each about waist high. On a short person. Yellow paint flaking from its dated links. They were large links. The kind you see around the necks of men not wearing shirts and roasting under baby oil in summer sun. She sat on them.

The links took her in sway. The night hung around her. She felt secure. She sat and rocked. Timing the clank of metal forced back and forth against metal.

Le'al always went to the same spot. This lot. With only the chain and the abandoned building marking its existence. It was perfect.

The perfect distance from her home, her living room, where much of her life was spent not living. She liked to go to this chain because if she waited long enough, no one would see her. She could go to the chain, sit and think, go home and be exhausted.

These were the nights she sleep fast and deep.

2007-05-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ana realized she was on the floor. She looked around. She was alone. She got up, stumbling into the wall. Ori. She called out, but her son did not answer. She went to his room. It was empty. She turned around and reached for the wall, falling into the bathroom. She grabbed the sink and eased herself up.

Her face was tore open. Again. Blood had dried down her hairline.

Good, she thought. I can cover it easy.

Her lip was swollen. Though, not so much as before.

Must be building immunity to the swelling, she thought. So know you're the joker huh?

Ana got a clean towel off the shelf behind her. Held it under cool water. Then wiped blood from her neck, arms and hands. She left the towel on the edge of the sink. Went to the phone and dialed.

"Oh Jesus," she said, seeing blood down the inside of her legs. "You son of a bitch."

"Hello."

"Ori," she said.

"Yes ma," her son said. "Ma I'm not ready yet. You said I could call. Can I stay another day? Mike has a new game and he can't beat me yet. I told him I'll keep playing until he does."

"You are at Mike's. Cousin Mike's."

"Mom are you OK?," he asked.

"Oh sweetie. I dreamed you were home. I'm fine. One more day - unless, of course, Mike still hasn't won."

Ori laughed and hung up.

Ana felt the wet at her chin and knew she was crying.

"Hold it together."

She dialed her new employer. The answering machine came on.

"Hello Karen, this is Ana. My move is going slower than planned. I have to take you up on that offer for a few more days to get settled. Please call me back to let me know you got this message. If I don't pick up, I'm probably just under a box somewhere. So, please leave a message and I can return the call. Thank you."

She hung up, and cried.

2007-05-20T07:38:00.000-07:00

"Secrets blue with hush of excitement. Shadows cast in whim. I walk in spotlights, chasing whim away in the confides of secret."

Ana said, "What."

"Pearl's diary," Le'al said. "She wrote that in her diary."

Ana said, "Her diary?"

"Yeah," Le'al said. "I took it."

She looked at Ana. Ana looked back unimpressed.

"I stole it. She . . . I need her to get better. I need her, her help."

Ana asked, "what do you think Pearl can do for you? And, why can't you do what ever it is you think she can do. She's an old, dying woman. What if she does die? What if she's dead right now? What will happen to Le'al?"

Le'al said, "I visit her, I . . ."

"Good," Ana said. "Because the truth is she is going to die. Soon. I believe she'll want you with her."

2007-05-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

Write something. Anything. Just write, Le'al told herself.

She opened the diary. It was new. The kind with the magnetic close. No lines, just blank sheets inside. Le'al put her pen against the paper. Drew a heart. Filled it in, leaving a crack down the middle.

Le'al let the pen rolled from her fingers.

When did I start feeling depressed. When did things start to look bad all the time for no real reasons. She bumped her head against the wall. She had been trying to write in her diary each day for two weeks. Nothing would come.

She thought, What is it I have to say? Where are the words? For all of the pain I go through, I have nothing. Nothing to say in words on paper. Maybe it is just too soon. Or, maybe I'm not the diary type.

Le'al got up with the diary in her hand. She dropped it in the trash.

Then thought, Relax - just take your time.

She reached in the trash. Wiped garden vegetable juice from last night's oodles and noodles from the front, and put it on the counter.

2007-05-20T07:12:00.000-07:00

"When we met," Ana said. "He was something. Quick. Interested in everything I had to say. Funny. Very funny."

He was so damn funny, she thought, grinning.

"I use to write all of his jokes down. I had this shoe box. Stuffed with things, little things I wanted to keep. It was stacked with pieces of paper, napkins, what ever I could get to first to write his jokes on.

"I couldn't carry it with me. I was goofy enough for him without doing that. So, I would tuck a piece of paper in my bra. If I was having a bad day. Just pull it out. Read it. Smile. Everything was fine again.

"Then I had to write 'He hit me today. I have to be with him or no man. He made me.'

"He wears this ring. A graduation ring. Hit me so hard, it chipped my tooth. It was on a necklace around my neck and he snatched it, smacking me against the mouth. I didn't find out he never graduated until 3 years ago."

"It doesn't seem real. It happened. A few months I threw up. And here I am."

2007-05-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

Pearl didn’t, couldn’t say anything.

She was clasping the side of the tub. Le’al playfully peeked into Pearl’s eyes, saying "You’re OK, I won’t let you get hurt. We’re almost done. Get you in your pajamas, and . . ."

Le’al slipped. Her hand slid forward and her body followed.

Her whole body swooshed into the tub. Water rammed up her nose. She tried to scream. Her voice was gone. Her throat was full. She tried to reach for Pearl. Pearl was far away. Her legs dangled over Le’al. She could tell Pearl was struggling to keep hold of the side of the tub. She was too far away from Pearl. To help her or herself. Her arms flailed wildly. Water pushed the soap against Le’al’s head. It struck hard.

Le’al jolted over the surface. Then back under. Le’al was going down fast. Her head first. She kept fighting, trying to grab something, anything.

A nurse was watching. She saw Le’al clawing the wall. Her mouth moving, but nothing coming out. The nurse made a note: delusional. meds?

2007-05-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

Le’al turned over. Pulled her knees up to her chest. Then rolled back into sleep.

"Good day, beautiful," Pearl said to her. "I come to answer your questions."

Le’al said "Thank you," and woke from the sound of her own voice.

She sat straight up. Scooting forward fast.

"No, no."

She slammed her hand on the edge of the bed. Then slowly laid back down. The bed was soaked. Le’al rubbed her hand along the sheets. Then her forehead, face. She tossed the sheets off of her. Got out of bed and rushed to the light. Turning it on.

The smell was thick, heavy.

Le’al fumbled with the pillow. Moved the sheets back and forth. She wiped along her stomach and thighs.

"Sweat," she said, partly cupping her nose and mouth.

Her legs went weak, and she sat on the bed. Realizing her headache. Not wanting to remember what she was dreaming.

2007-05-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

"Shinienna is my name. Just call me Shia."

The woman didn’t stand. Her shirt was pulled over her legs. Fabric tulips trimmed the hem, dancing along the taupe cloth. A big sun was painted on the shirt just below her neck. It was yellow, like the tulips, with red flames. The woman wore plastic, slip-on shoes. Bright green. They were next to the woman with her bag slouched on top. It was sky blue, trimmed in black and white blocks.

The others were sitting just off from the woman. She was set apart from everyone. Her face was rich with color. But Le’al knew she wasn’t wearing makeup. To Le’al she looked like confidence.

"I’m here because I have so many issues, I know it’s best to start with one - preferably the easiest or worst, depending. I think this is my worst. Only because. My, other, issues don’t really bother me. Trying to just be me, and be accepted for who I am, isn’t going so well. Anyway, I’m here for help."

The counselor asked, "Help with what?"

Shia looked at the floor. Then at the counselor, blinking from the counselor to the empty space between her and the window.

She said, "To be a better person."

2007-05-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

Last time I was in here. I was broken. I’m not sure why I came down here today. Seems too familiar to ignore.

Le’al stood outside the restroom. Her hand on the door. She eyed the splintered wood, knowing she didn’t want to go in. Le’al opened the door.

She stood in front of the mirror. Slowly her eyes rose, meeting themselves.

"Hi," Le’al said. This is all hard to explain. I don’t know the words for it. I feel it. It is real.

Le’al reached for paper towels. She began, methodically, covering the seat.

When they are done with her, I’m going back to her. I had all these questions. But now only one. Only one needs her answer.

She sat down, steadying the seat so the towels wouldn’t fall off. She put her elbows on her knees. Her chin on her fists. A smile spread across her mouth. Everything is going to work out.

"I just need to know," she said, practicing her question for Pearl. "How?"

2007-05-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

"OK, OK now," said Ana. "We can not talk about men."

"And sex," said Shia.

"Yup, yeah - no sex, too. Or children," said Ana. "That leaves - what? Alcohol? Food? Shopping?"

Ana bit her lips, pushing her cheeks big with laughter. She looked at Shia. Then at Le'al. Wiped the smirk off of her face, and said "Which, all lead to men, sex, and children."

"What about money?," asked Le'al.

Shia shook her head.

"You poor baby," said Ana, patting Le'al's arm. "Money talk is always bad, unless you got lots of it - and even then, you better be sharing."

Le'al said, "Oh."

Ana shook her head. Shia leaned up and looked at Le'al. They all burst out laughing.

"Yeah," said Ana, sipping her drink. "So, I'll take alcohol."

Shia said, "Well, you know shopping is mine - it is the closest to ssssss-sex."

Ana said, looking at Le'al, "You good for food?"

They burst out laughing again.

"I can eat," Le'al said.

"Good. No, no, great. Gourmet even," said Ana. "This will not be a long night." She finished her drink shot style. "Let's get started."

2007-05-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ana saw the women. Sitting. Scared. Not knowing what to expect next. Not knowing if they wanted to be around for what was next.

"I know you are confused. I know you have questions," Ana said. "I know, because I, too, don't know what to expect. I don't know if I have the strength to be around for what will happen next."

Ana looked at the women. Made eye contact. With each woman in turn. Hoping to meet each of them before her words left.

"Hello," she said. "I am Ana and I am surviving domestic violence."

She wiped tears running for her cheeks, using both hands.

"You must be as nervous as I am," she said. "It's hard. Being out in public. For the whole, non understanding world to see. Out for the whole world to see, to see the face of vulnerability. To see what weak looks like - through me." Ana pressed her finger tips to her shoulders, folding her arms across each other.

"I never thought of myself as weak," she continued. Ana saw some of the women rocking in know of what she said. She realized she was rocking, too.

"I never knew I was weak until I regained consciousness on my living room floor. My son was shaking me. Funny how at that age, he knew something was wrong. We were. Some of us still are. Beat, cursed, forced numb in the pain. A pain we don't believe anyone else knows.

"We were. But we are not now weak. Not now. Maybe later tonight. When that drink is lonely. And I'm in the mood for company. Or, maybe next week when this," Ana forced out the word "man," continuing, "is leaving apologies on the machine. But not now. Not in this moment. Because we are here, admitting it."

Ana paused, before saying "You already know it. And, not that the details matter so much as the many, many lessons I've learned. But I'd still like to share my story with you, if it's alright."

2007-05-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

"I need to talk to you," Le'al said, wanting to stroke Pearl's hand.

Le'al glanced around the room.

"I wish I knew your room was so bare. Nobody brought any of your pretty things for you. I would have, if I knew."

Le'al leaned back in the chair, resting her head against the wall.

She thought, If I can just talk to you once. I can explain. I can ask you if you'd want me to bring your stuff. I can make some sense of what I'm going through. I can tell you as much about me as I know, or think I know about you.

"Please don't die."

2007-05-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

"You don’t belong," she said. "If I knew you were coming, I would have straightened up. I guess I can open the curtains."

She rubbed her forehead. "I feel dirty."

She imagined the old security guard from her job knocking on the door.

"Excuse me miss, not that we are accusing you," he’d say, she thought. "But some items have recently become missing at the hospital. It is my job to personally ask all employees if they know anything about it."

Then he’d lean on her book shelf, she thought. How he does after he’s been standing for more than a sentence or two, waiting for her response. Le’al knew he would catch her.

2007-05-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Le’al squinted enough to get the tears out the way. She fell fast to her knees, crying in her hands."Why?," she tried. But only could mouth. "Why, god? Please," she fought the words out. They spilled low. "Why? What is happening to me?"Le’al let the tears, the questioning continue until she couldn’t anymore.

She learned to do this. Let her emotion flow until her body told her it was satisfied, for now.

Then she got up. Looked in the mirror. Snorted, seeing the red of her eyes and the swell in her face. She always saw confidence in the cherry flush of her face. It looked childlike, clownish - maybe a sign that the silliness of this unexplainable crying would eventually pour all out of her.

"Hope so," she said, sighing into a smile."Can’t walk out like this," she told her reflection.

Le’al splashed cold water on her face. Took paper towels and wiped her hands dry. Finger by finger, then each palm. She used the damp wad of paper towels to gently wipe from her forehead down the side of her face. To her chin. She did the same thing in the other direction.

A clatter of footsteps and conversation passed the restroom door. Shift change, Le’al thought.

2007-05-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

Le’al whispered, "Doing what?"

"Housekeeping," Ana said. "Where you work before this?"

"Oh, I was a, I did office work."

"Really? How you end up here," Ana asked, looking at her.

"I just wanted to try something new. Something more, direct," Le’al said. She was looking ahead, and turned to look at Ana. "I know you’re trying to be nice. I appreciate it. I just have been through . . . stuff. I decided I wanted to start over. As much as I could." She sighed heavy. "Before this I did home-based, virtual office support. It was good money. But I felt cut off. I had to get out. I mean, I just really need to experiment with myself. Figure out what I want to do."

Ana stopped walking. She took Le’al’s hand. "That’s the most you’ve said in the whole, what, five months you’ve been here."

2007-05-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

Her breath was short. She wanted to stop. She clipped a short stack of pages between her fingers and flipped them. More writing in the margins. Le’al realized she was looking at Pearl’s low, overflowing once empty spaces.

Le’al pulled the purple cloth, centering the material in a knot on top of the bible. She lifted it. Wedged it between her pants and belly. Grabbed her shirt and pulled it out before down. Le’al reached for her jacket on the bottom of her cart. She put it on. Zipped it to her neck.

Exhaling slow, she said, "I can’t breathe."Le’al zipped her jacket down, a little. She exhaled heavy and looked at the clock. A half hour to go. "Ok, put the cart away," she said. "Go home."

She mopped the floor in front of the dresser. Leaned over to put up a wet floor sign. She saw a pill. It was on the floor. Just beneath the edge of Pearl’s bed. Le’al scooped it up with tissue. Balled the tissue around the pill. Slid it in her pocket.

Le’al took the damp cloth from her back pocket. She wiped the mattress. Then the frame. Clean of any powder. She wiped the floor. Tucked the cloth back in her pocket. Fixed the sheet, felt her pocket and pulled the pill out.

"What am I doing," Le’al said.

2007-05-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Le’al hesitated. Decided she didn’t have time to. Tugged the purple cloth, setting each corner neatly away from a book.

It was simple. Cream. Half-page in size. Thick. She saw the figure of a man. People on grass. The illustration was worn of color. Le’al stared at faded gold lettering. She stared until she understood it spelled, "Holy Bible."

Le’al put her hand over her mouth. Paused between disappointment and relief, Le’al saw something sticking out the book. She opened the bible to see it. A single, long-stem rose. Its color was gone to age. It was flat, crushed inside the bible long enough for the petals to crumble. The stem was broke.

Ana’s singing was closer.

Le’al closed the bible. Tossed part of the purple cloth over it. Slid the picture back in place. Grabbed a handle on her cart, and dragged the mop head, sopping, on the floor.

‘Hey,’ Ana said walking in.

2007-05-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

"Listen."

The voice was delicate but solid. Le’al didn’t think she’d heard it. She kept walking but looked toward the woman. She was pointing at her.

"Yes ma’am, you," the woman said. "Listen, he told me it’s time to get up."

Le’al let her cart roll ahead, easing in the woman’s room. She whispered, "Who?"

"God," the woman said, motioning her hand up. Didn’t look up, just studied the strength of her arm and began to rise.

Le’al didn’t move or speak. She saw the woman getting up. Then, heard herself calling for a nurse.